What do you think? Grammar, spelling, critiques, is it realistic?
Question by Duckie: What do you think? Grammar, spelling, critiques, is it realistic?
“Madam, will you show me your passport,” the security man asked. Larissa looked at him with a puzzled expression, she had a feeling she was forgetting something.
“Umm, I kinda left it in my suitcase?” Larissa asked in a worried tone, just now noticing the people around her.”Madam please step aside, your going to have to wait a little while,” he said.
Larissa looked at him with tears in her eyes.”But…but…I have to leave now! Please?I have to get home. What if I miss this flight? My mom is dying! Please,” she pleaded.
“Madam,” he started, getting close to her to whisper in her ear, “You can go this time, but leave when nobody is looking, I don’t want people trying what you just did.” Larissa tried to hide her smile, a smug expression on her face because she knew she had an audience.
“Thank you,” she croaked
As she was leaving she caught a glimpse of her friend out of the corner of her eye and walked towards her. “Well done, Larissa, I didn’t know you were such an actor,” Rubi purred.
“Well my love, I had to do something, I forgot my passport,” Larissa said, now lowering her voice because people were watching.”Do you think anybody noticed he wasn’t a real security?” “Nope, so, did you get it?” Rubi asked. “Of course I did, didn’t you see when he got close,” Larissa asked. “Okay, then let’s leave. Paris is waiting for us,” Rubi said as they stepped onto the plane.
Okay so obviously I made mistakes but I don’t know if it’s interesting enough so should I just start a new beginning?
Best answer:
Answer by βεаuϯifuʅ ɲigɧʈɱɑʀɛ　☯｡(◕‿◕)｡☯
The only thing I would say is remember to put each new person’s speech on a new line. So where Rubi says “Nope, so, did you get it?” That would be on a new line.
Good luck!
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Related Blogs
- MVC 3 AJAX redirecting instead of updating DIV – Scott Forsyth's Blog
- Gilman captures Div. 7 State Football Championship
- expand parent div to match child div – Jquery Home
- MBMG International casuals league Div 2 Golden boys 3 Vs FC Nova 1 …
- Re : ScrollTop moves to wrong div – Jquery Home
- Bailoutageddon: Cometh The Hour, Cometh Madam | Broadsheet.ie
- The Middle Ground #29 | Dear sir or madam, would you read my book …
- Well Done, Madam. – Failbook – Funny Facebook Status Messages …
- Govt. Policy on passport for Diaspora demonstrates incompetence …
- Revolt: Orlando airport to drop TSA as security screeners « Hot Air
November 18th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
Umm, I kinda left it in my suitcase?” Larissa asked in a worried tone. That is not a question.
Thank you,” she croaked. Why is she croaking?
Rubi purred. Why did she pur?
Larissa tried to hide her smile she knew she had an audience. Get rid of redundant and useless info.
There are a fair few other little issues. these are just the ones that i noticed on a quick read.
November 18th, 2010 at 11:31 pm
I like your story, it has potenital. But error is when you have another character talk, you should start a new line. So when Larissa asks Rubi a question, try this:
“Do you think anyone noticed?”, Larissa quickly glanced at the people in line, just the tiniest bit of concern in her question.
Rubi smiled, placing her hand on Larissa’s shoulder. “Nope, so, did you get it?”
Other than that, it’s fine by me =D
November 18th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
Haha I searched a line from the story to make sure I was using the correct punctuation and this popped up. XD Nice. Your email awaits you…in 5 minutes that is.