He won’t marry me…shall I give him an ultimatum?
Question by sweet_steph27: He won’t marry me…shall I give him an ultimatum?
Hello,
My partner and I have been together for three years now, and recently (not even a leap year I know!) I asked him to marry me. Not romantically, I just said to him one day “Seriously…will you please marry me?” and he said no. Since then, we have talked about marraige, and he says that because he broke his first wedding vows by having an affair, he doesnt “feel he deserves to say them agaiN” or something like that. Then he’s said he will marry me, when marraige is insignificant, in 5 or 6 years or so, when I’m “old enough to know what I want”….he is q lot older than me, but we are both consenting adults who have been together three years, so surely if I’m “old enough” to look after his children, run his home, and be his faithful partner and live with him…I’m old enough to know I want to marry him. He says I only want to marry him “for security” which is not true. What is tru is that of course, at the minute I hate living with somebody but havign no say in anything. I have to be realistic – I’m building a home with somebody I have no rights to and could be kicked out of at any time if things went sour. But aside from that, I want to be his wife, not his “bird” and I want to be a part of his life and have commitment and a life together, to be part of and not an add on. I want to spend my life as his wife, and it is very important to me. Do I have the right to an ultimatum or not? Does anyone understand my desire for marraige?
Thanks in advance,
Best answer:
Answer by IndyGirl
As hard as it will be for you, you really need to leave this guy and find someone who shares your same goals for marriage.
If THIS GUY wanted to be married to you HE WOULD BE… he doesn’t.
Sorry, Sweetie.
xoxoxoxo
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November 19th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
You have to let him know you’re not marrying him for security.
If all fails, maybe you should consider being with someone who wants what you want?
November 19th, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Yes you do have a right.
Yes I do understand.
You want a family and home you can call your own. Right now it’s one foot out the door because of the lack of commitment. You want his total acceptance and his refusal to marry you when it matters is a huge red flag that your not accepted and that he’s not committed.
On the same token you don’t want to “force” him to marry you. You want him to do that all by himself willingly. You put down an ultimatum and he will not be willingly marrying you if he agrees.
I think after three years and considering the age difference that you should move on. Forget the ultimatum and just go.
good luck
I hope you get your happily ever after — one day
November 19th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
He doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, he would have made it clear by now. You do need to be realistic as you say, but you are not being realistic about the fact that he’s making excuses not to marry you. Have a think about it.
November 19th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Out of all the fish in the sea, THIS is the one that you’re willing to settle for????? Have you lost your mind???????????
November 19th, 2010 at 10:51 pm
He feels you only want this marriage for comfort and security. He possibly does not have the right impression about you. Moreover, he may also not be ready for a commitment. Some people need time when their relationships end. Whenever two people wanna marry their objectives have to be common. You cannot give him an ultimatum, hold him at gunpoint and ask him to marry you. That would be emotional pressure and not a very healthy way of dealing with things. If your relationship is not going to lead you to the alter and if that is what you want, then you are in the wrong place with the wrong person. Weigh you pros and cons and see if its worth to be with this guy otherwise there are plenty of ppl out there who would like to marry and settle down with a nice girl. Your choice.
November 19th, 2010 at 11:06 pm
I understand your desire for marriage, but obviously you are not going to find it with this man. Giving him an ultimatum is not good, since he has already stated that he does not want to marry.It is something you will have to accept if you do want to stay with him. If you really want the married life, you will have look elsewhere for someone who also wants what you do, or you will not be happy. It’s your choice. Weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving. Marriage should be something both people want, and no one should be pushed into it or guilted into it.
November 19th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
Why buy milk when he has the cow? He already got you running his home, looking after his children,and be a bed mate. Your situation is rather common and he’s stringing you along. Those excuses are rather ancient and just plain baloney.He puts you on the defensive by accusing you of looking for security. Some states will make allowance for common-law wives. Only you can decide if you are better off with him or without.If it’s with him, trust me, he’s never putting a ring on your finger. Good luck, hun. You’re going to need it.
November 20th, 2010 at 12:10 am
How will you forcing him to do something he obviously doesn’t want to do make anything work?
You’ll be divorced within two years.
November 20th, 2010 at 12:53 am
Why would you give him an ultimatium when you CHOSE to put yourself in the position you are in. You obviously CHOSE to move in with him without benefit of marriage, he would be stupid to marry you now. He has it all and you have given it to him on a silver platter. There is an old saying “You don’t buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free” and he is living by that saying. There is no reason for him to marry you. If you wanted all of the things you say you want you should not have CHOSEN to move in with him. If you wanted marriage you should have not gotten involved with this man to begin with. So quit blaming HIM for your poor choices in life. Either stay and continue as you are or pack up and leave but you have no right to expect him to marry you.
November 20th, 2010 at 1:45 am
he’s afraid of breaking the vows he will be making if he marries you. that’s why he’s not in a hurry to marry you. just up and leave and find someone better.
November 20th, 2010 at 2:26 am
Walk away. He has no plans to marry you – ever. Wake up.